Pain Sources that can equal back pain
There are few problems that can compete with pain. Boredom, lack of money, or a love affair that has gone south, seem but banal blips. For when the sleeping giant of pain grasps you by the throat, you must listen. In the gladiator arena of physical pain, back pain is famous for an almost Biblical begetting of the most severe discomfort. But there are two other pain-producing maladies that spring to mind: the bruised or broken rib and inflamed hemorrhoids.
A broken or bruised rib, aside from being a wonderfully clear and irrefuteable pain source, has the advantage of precluding any positive feelings whatsoever, because laughter, reaching for a handkerchief, and even chewing, can make the painfully tentative straight jacket of torso discomfort take on a medieval significance. There is the one saving grace, which is that a game that can be played by other family members, called, “Behold the Sneeze.”
Inflamed hemorrhoids, a medical condition, begin like a suspicious rumor about a sore grape, and arise to simulate an intense foot or calf cramp of the kind that ejaculates people from their beds so as to fervently club the floor with the afflicted limb. But of course, such tweaky pain and cramping reside in the awkward vicinity. And whereas it is difficult to slam the awkward vicinity against anything, the much put upon sufferer will often assume a fetal position while moaning the red-assed baboon’s national anthem, which once heard has never been forgotten, or mince from room to room in a fitful quandary, understanding that relief from pain is only as far away as the nearest Lithuanian shaman. The efficacy of soothing commercial gels for pain relief, I will leave to the imagination.
My brother, with whom I have discussed these delicate issues surrounding pain at length, is an ex-body builder, and as such, experienced in both back surgery and the anus fissure, a place where hemorrhoids go in the most extreme and unkindest eventuality, the extreme sports of hemorrhoids as it were. He has assured me, and I take him at his word, that though back surgery can potentially bring about immediate relief from pain, an ass fissure repair will, without exception, suspend the patient in untoward agony beyond description for just under a year. Let this serve as a cautionary tale.
But I digress…
Back pain is King of Pain
Back trouble and the pain it generates can arise from improperly lifting heavy objects, such as Volkswagens, beer coolers, or tires filled with cement. Wood splitting, low cupboards, lard assed babies, and lousy dance partners, especially during the execution of the frog jump, are additional culprits. Other causes include potato chips, sudden wrenching twists or turns, or the chiropractor’s favorite, previously sustained injuries in other body parts, for which the skeleton and spine will do any amount of reshuffling in an attempt to compensate, sometimes even collapsing entirely, much like the stairs of an escalator.
More on the pain and involvement of the spine
Worse for the sufferer, the shifted parts, already producing pain, may consort to pop a disk, which situation can require a back surgeon, possibly one fully committed to owning both a private plane and a condo in Dubai. Perhaps at the inception, there was no incident, save bending over and tying a shoe. But throw in an elderly secretary who takes a dose of ginkgo blobs that morning and suddenly remembers what a goose is, and between the fourth and fifth vertebra, nature’s weakest hinge area, and a veritable home plate to the aquatic rehab set, the trap door is sprung. Behold, low back pain!
How serious is this condition that produces pain? One needs a mental image with which to grasp the complexity of the spine. If one were to think of the spine as a clarinet, and those valves the musician manipulates so adroitly to make music of his breath, as the vertebrae which can blow like over stressed rivets or become unhinged at any moment, such an instrument played by Satan as it were, he who gigs the sufferer with hot pokers at whim, one will have some tangible notion of the back-troubled patient’s special burden.
Consider for a moment, the neck, which sits at the head of the spine. It can lock like automotive gears for whom some dunderhead had failed to provide motor oil, regularly prohibiting the normal range of motion that allows us to discreetly spy on our neighbors, cast a lascivious glance without our spouse running interference, or unsettle an aggravating interloper in short order, subsequently denying that the look meant anything but a misplaced eyelash. Without this flexibility, a person is nothing but a puny scarecrow with a neck like a sucker stick, one who can be mocked with impunity.
Pain medications for the back
My personal back trouble came from time on the computer, specifically from torque of the torso, maintained for long hours. The subsequent pretzeling nexus settled into the mid back, where it generated what’s known in the trades as a back spasm. This condition gave rise to the burning and lacerated ham of the exited nerve bundle. This event, on the Richter Scale of back events, was a third level engagement, the first and least serious being, Methocarbamal, the second, Soma, and the third, Percocet, a delightful pharmaceutical concoction that enables the patient while he or she is in the hospital emergency room, to shuck off the coil of pain, while at the same time engaging in projectile vomiting.
The mysterious nerve bundle
For my own part, I had been familiar with back spasms, but unfamiliar with the extremes of skeletal misconstruction, i.e. jumblement, that could produce such radical side effects, as being unable to lie down for two weeks, owing to the rise of a protuberant Stegosaurus variety ridge, in which the vertebrae were bucked out like teeth, while underneath them an unrelenting larva of nerves, which make up the giant nerve bundle, regularly scalded itself with reoccurring birth contractions.
Post incident pain and side effects
Many facets of back trouble have been documented, but never before now has the cruel truth of adjunct sounds been acknowledged. There are three categories of related noises. The first includes the eyebrow-raising grinding and shifting of the involved bones, when movement is attempted. The second regards the oaths against creation uttered during a back event, along with the accompanying awkward back pounding, which offers absolutely no relief. Thirdly, during the post-event season, there arises with every bend and reach, a veritable explosion of unwelcome exclamations, muttering, moaning, puling, those sounds that tumble relentlessly off the tongue, like spittle leaking from a hungry dog.
To arrest the flow of non-voluntary vocalizations would require a ball gag. For like the infant who terrifies himself by burping, and then must scream and try to shit its pants for ten minutes, the inner baby is incapable of remembering a time when the piano of pain didn’t hang overhead like a car insurance payment—specifically the payment, after your fat sister in law totaled your shocks, and then borrowed your car and drove it through the plate glass window of McDonald’s because she couldn’t wait for the McNuggets.
Pain sufferers constitute a particular segment of the population, those who share an intimate knowledge of the injustice of pain, the limits of self control in the face of pain, the lack of cause and effect in the universe, the niggardliness of doctors as regards dispensation of controlled substances to alleviate pain, and the little butterfly of flaws in the heart of the health insurance system, which requires simply that participants have no health or financial problems, because all others will pay cash. This would be the pain in the ass, or the variation of the pain at the pump that connects us all in the spiritual universe.